He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary.”
She said, “Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he’s only been there twice! And he fell asleep both times.”
Leprechauns, castles, good luck and laughter.
Lullabies, dreams and love ever after.
A thousand welcomes when anyone comes…
That’s the Irish for You!
PLACE
THE WEE FOLK
Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the mother superior. “Well, how can I help you wee folk?” asked mother superior.
The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked “Oh mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?”
“No,” says mother superior, “I don’t have any midget nuns here at the convent.”
“All right then, mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland then?”
“No, No,” replied mother superior, “I don’t know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all.”
“Well then mother superior, in all of NunDom, in the whole world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, then, of any midget nuns?’
“No, I would not, there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!” replied mother superior, “and would you please tell me what this is all about?”
The first leprechaun turned sadly to the other leprechaun and said “See, it‘s as I told you all along, you’ve been dating a Penguin”
May your troubles be less,
And your blessing be more.
And nothing but happiness,
Come through your door.
SHOW
THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKE
There is this young Irish girl who emigrated to Liverpool, and had trouble finding gainful employment.
So she became a prostitute, and was extremely successful at it. She made lots of money, and regularly sent some back home to her dear old mother back in County Tyrone.
After a few years she decided it’s time to go home and pay her dear old mother a visit. But, on the boat on the way over she get very concerned about what she’ll tell her mother about her new career.
Eventually she decided there’s no point in lying about it and that she’ll tell her mother the truth, and throw herself on her mercy.
She arrived back home in the little village in County Tyrone, and her dear old mother was just overcome to see her again. Ah darlin’ its just wonderful to see you again, and lookin’ so nice an all.
And sendin’ me all this money all this time. Tell me, darlin‘ what have you been doin’ to earn all this money?
“Well mother, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I became a prostitute!”
Mother went white, clutched at her breast, and collapsed in a heap on the floor. The others in the pub bought her a couple of shots of John Jamieson’s, and staggered back on her feet.
She faced her daughter. “Tell me again darlin‘ I want to hear you say it again, so I can‘t be sure I heard you right.”
The girl says: “Yes mother, I said that I became a prostitute!”
The old girl heaved a huge sigh of relief, wiped the sweat from her brow and says: “Ah Jasus – tank the Lord for that. I tought for a minute there I heard you say you’d become a Protestant!”
When the first light of sun-
Bless you.
When the long day is done-
Bless you.
In your smiles and your tears-
Bless you.
Through each day of your years-
Bless you.
SPECIAL CHURCH EDITION
VATICAN HUMOR
After getting Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the limo driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver, ‘Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’
‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today.’
‘I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?’ protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.
‘Who’s going to tell?’ says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph. (Remember, the Pope is German)
‘Please slow down, your Holiness!’ pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
‘Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!’ moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
‘I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 kph.
‘So bust him,’ says the Chief.
