Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
WHEN A CORPORATION HIRES CANNIBALS
“You are all part of our team now,” said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please do not eat any of the other employees.”
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You’re all working very hard, and I’m very satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?”
The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, “Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?”
A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals shouted, “You fool!!! For four weeks we’ve been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But nooooooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!”
Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have POWER SURGES!!
DRUNK AGAIN
A good-ol’-boy staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies.
Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band-aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.
After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.
Morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: “You were drunk again last night!!!”
Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied: “Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?”
“Well,” she said, “there is the front door left open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly… It’s all those band aids stuck all over the downstairs mirror!”
Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita.
HOW THE CHURCH IS CHANGING
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now. The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony.”
“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest.
“I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”
“Well,” said the elderly priest, “I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”
“But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”
“I know, son,” replied the elderly priest, “but that flashing neon sign, “‘Toot ‘n Tell or Go To Hell’ can’t stay on the church roof.”
Don’t go gray without bitchin’ all the way!
REAL ANSWERS GIVEN BY KIDS ON SCIENCE TESTS…
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarian Section”
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
