A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.
After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.
Morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: “You were drunk again last night!!!”
Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied: “Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?”
“Well,” she said, “there is the front door left open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly… It’s all those band aids stuck all over the downstairs mirror!”
“There are three natural anaesthetics:
Sleep, fainting, and death.”
Oliver Wendell Holmes
TWO ZOMBIES
Two zombies went into the undertaker’s. “I’d like to order a coffin for a friend of mine who has just died,” said the first zombie.
“Certainly, sir,” said the undertaker, “but there was really no need to bring him with you.”
“At my age, flowers scare me.”
George Burns
NOW WHAT?
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. “Reverend,” she wailed, “John and I had a DREADFUL fight!”
“Calm down, my child,” said the minister, “it’s not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!”
“I know, I know!” said Joanna, “but what am I going to do with the BODY?”
“Death is just nature’s way
of telling you to slow down.”
Dick Sharples
DEADLY!
A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted “Avalanche!” The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped.
The shopkeeper was led out next. As the soldiers took aim he shouted “Flood!” And escaped. The teacher was then lead out.
The squad took aim and the teacher, remembering how the other two had escaped, shouted “Fire!”
“The report of my death was an exaggeration.”
Mark Twain
THRIFTY. DEADLY.
At the inquest into her husband’s death by food poisoning, Mrs. Wally was asked by the coroner if she could remember her husband’s last words.
“Yes,” she replied. “He said ‘I don’t know how that shop can make a profit from selling this salmon at only 20 cents a tin.”
“On the plus side,
death is one of the few things
that can be done as easily lying down.”
Woody Allen
DOIN’ THE HOKEY POKEY
There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song “Hokey Pokey” died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket.
They put his left leg in.
Well, you know the rest.
“My luck is so bad
that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying.”
Ed Furgol
DEAD, REALLY REALLY, DEAD
“Why are you crying Fred?” asked the teacher. ”
“‘Cos my parrot died last night. I washed it in Wisk.”
“Fred,” said the teacher. “You must have known that Wisk’s bad for parrots.”
“Oh it wasn’t the Wisk that killed it, sir. It was the tumble drier.”
Death is life’s way of telling you
you’ve been fired.
THIS WEEK’S BEST DEAD BLONDE JOKE
Three guys died together in a terrible accident. Fortunately, they went to heaven.
St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here: Don’t step on the ducks, as they are God’s favorite creation.”
They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it’s almost impossible not to step on a duck. The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman you’ve ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever.”
The next day the second guy steps on a duck, and sure enough, St. Peter comes with another real ugly woman and chains them together.
Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesn’t step on any ducks. Then one day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman, a blue-eyed blonde, very young and very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without saying a word.
The man remarks, “Wow! This is great! I wonder what I did to deserve this?”
The Blonde says, “I don’t know about you, but I just stepped on a duck.”
Good health is merely the slowest
possible rate at which one can die.
LIVING WILL
I, ______, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood ethically challenged politicians who couldn’t pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a _______ it should be presumed that I won’t ever get better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
