AND FINALLY, THIS WEEK’S BLONDE JOKE
Blonde on a Diet
A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.”
“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.
“No, from skipping.”
PERK OF BEING OVER 40:
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
NOW WHAT?
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. “Reverend,” she wailed, “John and I had a DREADFUL fight!”
“Calm down, my child,” said the minister, “it’s not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!”
“I know, I know!” said Joanna, “but what am I going to do with the BODY?”
PERK OF BEING OVER 40:
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
OH, GOD!
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength .. and the tools .. to cross this river.” Poof ! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, “Please God, give! me the strength and the tools …and the intelligence… to cross this river.” And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
PERK OF BEING OVER 40:
You sing along with elevator music.
RAIL TRAVEL
Old Rudy was on a train, mumbling to himself, smiling, and then raising his hand.
After a moment of silence, he would go through the same process, mumble, smile, raise hand, silence.
Sarah was observing this, and after about an hour, she said, “Pardon me, sir. Is anything wrong?”
“Oh, no,” Rudy replied. “It’s just that long trips get boring so I tell myself jokes.”
“But why, sir,” asked Sarah, “Do you keep raising your hand?”
“Well,” said Rudy, “That’s to interrupt myself because I’ve heard that one before.”
PERK OF BEING OVER 40:
You quit trying to hold your stomach in,
no matter who walks into the room.
THE DAMNED ART OF FALLING APART
There’s quite an art to falling apart
as the years go by,
And life doesn’t begin at 40.
That’s a big fat lie.
My hair’s getting thinner,
my body is not;
The few teeth I have
are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick’s-Vapo-Rub,
not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker’s
all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past,
every detail I’ll know,
But what was I doing
10 minutes ago?
Well, you get the idea,
what more can I say?
I’m off to read the obituary,
like I do every day;
If my names not there,
I’ll once again start –
Perfecting the art
of falling apart.
PERK OF BEING OVER 40:
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN?
A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean
And RAM was the cousin of a goat.
MEG was the name of my girlfriend
And GIG was your middle finger upright
Now they all mean different things
And that really MEGA bytes
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu
I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead
PERK OF BEING OVER 40:
You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
FRED. DEAD.
A woman went into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.
After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, “Well, then, let it read ‘Fred Brown died.”
Confounded at the woman’s thrift, the editor stammers that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again counts on her fingers and replies, “In that case, ‘Fred Brown dead. 1983 pick-up for sale.'”
“The trouble with heart disease
is that the first symptom is
often hard to deal with – sudden death.”
Michael Phelps
