About Women:
If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
LIKELY STORY
An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.
“Are these your grandkids?” the reporter asked.
“Naw, sir, they all be my younguns,” the old man replied with a sly grin.
“Your kids?” asked the reporter. “What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?”
“Naw, sir,” said the old man. “She be my wife.”
“Your wife?” said the surprised reporter. “But she can’t be more than 19 years old.”
“Thass right,” said the old man with pride.
“Well, surely you can’t have a sex life with you being 115 and she being only 19,” the reporter remarked.
“Sir, ” said the old man. “We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on, and every morning six of my boys helps me off.”
“Wait just one minute,” said the newspaperman. “Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?”
“Cause,” the spry old man said with a balled fist, “I fights ’em.”
About Men:
All men are not homeless, but some men are home, less than others.
PROPER PLACEMENT PLEASE
A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.”
“Sir,” replied the doctor, “You’re 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?”
“You’re damned right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered.”
About Women:
There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
ANOTHER ONE FOR THE HUNTERS OUT THERE
Roy and Ernest went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume,moved into their tent and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, Roy said, “Okay, lets get out and get him.”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, Ernest shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?”
Roy says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”
About Men:
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
PISSING AND MOANING
A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called – and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which proves the fact that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
About Women:
Women have a passion for mathematics.
They divide their age in half,
double the price of their clothes,
and always add at least 5 years to the age of their best friend.
EVE TALKS TO GOD
Barney and Betty were driving from Washington to Florida to attend their granddaughter’s graduation from medical school.
Halfway through their trip, they stopped to visit one of their sons in Kansas for a night.
Barney found a bottle of Viagra in the medicine cabinet. He asked his son Bill about using one of the pills.
Bill said, “I don’t think you should take one Dad, they’re very strong and very expensive.”
“How much?” asked Barney.
“Around $10.00 a pill,” answered Bill.
“I don’t care,” said Barney, “I’d still like to try one, we’ll be leaving early in the morning, so I’ll put the money under the pillow.”
Later the next morning, Bill found $110.00 under the pillow.
He immediately called Barney on his cell phone and said, “I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.
“I know,” said Barney. “The hundred is from your Mother.”
About Men:
Why do men like intelligent women?
Because opposites attract.
MARRIAGE COUNSELING
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
