Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house, I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.”
PLACE
STANDARDS (More from Florida)
Little old lady is sitting on a bench in Miami Beach. A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, “Are you a stranger here?” He replies, “I used to live here years ago.”
“So, where were you all these years?”
“In prison,” he says.
“For what did they put you in prison?”
He looks at her, and very quietly says, “I killed my wife.”
“Oh,” says the woman. “So you’re single…”
SHOW
DOOR TO DOOR SALESMAN: Another helpful suggestion
A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on a door in a senior community. It was opened by an old lady in a bathrobe.
“Go away” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money! I’m flat broke!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty, my dear lady!” he said. “Not until you have as least seen my amazing demonstration.”
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this wonderful Kirby vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder of it.”
The old Lady stepped back and said, “Well, I sure hope you’ve got a good appetite sonny, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN
Hector and Janet were 85 years old and had been married for 60 year.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.”
Hector asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”
Hector looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. “What are the greens fees?”, grumbled the old man.
“This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You can play for free, every day.”
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne.
“Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter to Hector. “This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.”
Hector looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?” he asked.
“That’s the best part,” St. Peter replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!”
Hector pushed, “No gym to work out at?” “Not unless you want to,” was the answer.
“No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…”
“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”
Hector glared at his wife and said, “You and your damn bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago !!!!!
THEY SAID THE ECONOMY IS BOUNCING BACK.
WELL, I HAVE NEWS FOR THEM. SO ARE MY CHECKS.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Two weeks ago was my 50th birthday and I wasn’t feeling too good that morning.
I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, Happy birthday!” She’d probably have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didn’t even good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that’s wives for you. I then thought to myself, I’m positive the children will remember.
The children came in to breakfast and didn’t even say a word. So, when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, “Good morning, Boss and Happy Birthday!” And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.
I worked until about noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me”.
I said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. “Let’s go!”
We went to lunch. We didn’t go to where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had 2 martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office right away, do we?” I said “No, I guess not.”
