Home Lots More Columns Get Column E-mailed 222 Best Senior Links Week's Best Jokes Pans and Praise
Today's Column Senior Travel Other Good Stuff Epic Senior Trivia Bee's Knees Nostalgia Forum

HEY, BOOMERS!
LOOK WHAT’S IN STORE FOR YOU.
By Frank Kaiser

Listen up, all you boomers about to hit 50. That’s the official beginning of seniordom, according to no less authority than AARP, and it’s high time someone took pity on you.

You need a clue to the surprises lurking right around the corner.

I know. I know. You’ve done everything possible to avoid this moment. At the mere mention of “golden” or “silver,” you change the subject. Hear the word “retirement” and you quickly cross your index fingers in front of you, deflecting any notion of evil ages ahead.

Most boomers — not you, of course — are so inwardly turned, so me-me-me that when geezerdom does come to call, they freak. They become even more adamant about their false sense of self-reliance, even more obnoxious in their enthusiastic embrace of all things young.

If it were up to me, you’d never earn geezer status. We don’t want you. You’re not tough enough.

But since it’s inevitable as death and taxes — sorry, I didn’t mean to use the “D” word — here’s a sneak preview of what to expect.

For starters, time and date take on new and bewildering significance. A co-worker’s 15th high school reunion inexplicably starts your fingers twitching as you mentally count backward to 1991, then subtract the year of your own graduation.

Oh my God! you think. I’m 17 years older than she is. I don’t look… Do I? Seventeen years! She could be my daughter. Oh my God!

At age 50 or so, you’ll begin noticing that younger folks of either sex now look right through you — as if you didn’t exist. Shocked, you ask yourself, “When did this start happening?”

You may obsess.

At about 55, you‘ll catch yourself glancing at every available mirror to assess the growth of your — you’d never guess — wattle(s). You know, that skin under your jaw that even now is sagging just a bit.

Well, it is! By 55, this leading indicator of old-fartism is shouting for a chinstrap. But still you won’t bring yourself to use the words “old” and “me” in the same sentence.

Next, you become —how shall I put this? — irrelevant.

Suddenly, you’re the fifth wheel at work, out of the loop more often than not. Your advice is no longer sought. Golf dates no longer reserved.

This is when you start pricing face-lifts, eyelid surgery, hair transplants, and wattle reduction.

  • Suddenly Trivia: By what date do experts say life expectancy will jump to 120? a) 2025 b) 2050 c) 2075.

And then there’s that matter of, well, forgetfulness. Senior moments, we call them. Those sudden, humiliating mind blanks during which we can’t remember the names of our spouses and first-born.

The first time it happens you fear the immediate onset of Alzheimer’s. But you get used to it.

Fact is, we seniors know a lot; we simply can’t remember it all. Nothing serious, just a mild case of mind-bloat.

One more little surprise: You know how old folks talk 24/7 about their aches and pains, their doctors, their pills and operations?

Trust me, you will too. If you were secretly thinking you’d breeze through the rigors of old age with gene splicing, molecular manipulations, and replacement organs on demand, forget about it.

At 50, you’re already too old to benefit much from current scientific breakthroughs. By the time they trickle down, you’ll be long gone. Sorry.

I suppose that you won’t believe me if I tell you that in spite of all this, you may find your senior years your best ever.

You’ll find new freedom to do what you want and say what you think. You’ll have time to develop hobbies, improve your golf game, and read to your heart’s content.

Once you get away from that “me” thing, you’ll want to help others by volunteering your time and mind. You’ll never believe the rewards until you do it.

And if you haven’t already, you’ll learn the critical importance of friendship and love in your life. You probably won’t believe me now, but that alone is worth the price each of us pays to become a Geezer-First Class.

  • Suddenly Trivia Answer: b) 2050

© 2006 — Frank Kaiser


GET SUDDENLY SENIOR EVERY FRIDAY. SIMPLY SEND A BLANK E-MAIL TO GET-SS@SUDDENLYSENIOR.COM

BE SURE TO CHECK OUT THE HELPFUL LINKS BELOW


STUFF FROM SUDDENLY SENIOR

I Should Have Died Last Week

What do you say to yourself and others when you're living a miracle? When you outlast a lethal event with zero chance of survival? A true story for 2007.

Suddenly Senior’s pharmacist and chief drug pusher questions in his latest “Confessions of a Drug Pusher”: “Senior Drug Warning: Pain Pills, Your Liver, and FDA Inaction” Read those drug labels carefully!


MORE ABOUT SENIOR SEX FROM SUDDENLY SENIOR

Are You Ever Too Old For an Orgy?

Not if today's sexy seniors have anything to say about it. We may embarrass our kids and shock the neighbors, but wrinkly Romeos and sagging seductresses are just carrying on a time-honored tradition.

Sex After 60 (Probably a very short column)

Of course, many of the younger generation, including our sons and daughters, find it disgusting that Granny and Gramps could still be doing it. "More than you think," says Frank. "Much more!"


THIS

WEEK'S

BEST

SENIOR

CARTOON










THIS WEEK'S BEST 222 SENIOR SITES
http://www.suddenlysenior.com/links.shtml
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
THE BEST OF SENIOR SEX
http://www.suddenlysenior.com/sexpage.html
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
SEE THE BEST SENIOR NOSTALGIA ANYWHERE, http://www.suddenlysenior.com/nostalgiapage.html
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
SEE THE BEST SENIOR TRIVIA ANYWHERE, http://www.suddenlysenior.com/triviapage.html


HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND, EVERYONE!

Frank Kaiser frank@suddenlysenior.com

http://www.suddenlysenior.com/

The nationally syndicated column read by more 2.3 million over age 50 in 131 countries who've become senior way before their time.

TO TO OF PAGE

PicoSearch
FIND IT AT
SUDDENLY SENIOR!




SINCE 1999, AMERICA'S MOST TRUSTED SENIOR CITIZEN WEBSITE


Seniors Having Fun
• To be a Kid Today in Florida

How Suddenly Senior began
• E-MAIL FRANK


Now read by 3.1 million in 83 newspapers from Florida’s St. Petersburg Times to the Mumbai, India News. CLICK FOR MORE INFO


ADVERTISE WITH
SUDDENLY SENIOR