Home Lots More Columns Get Column E-mailed 222 Best Senior Links Week's Best Jokes Pans and Praise
Today's Column Senior Travel Other Good Stuff Epic Senior Trivia Bee's Knees Nostalgia Make A Donation

A Product of the Suddenly Senior Consumer Division

FROM PLUGS TO RUGS:
A GEEZER'S GUIDE TO BALDNESS

By Frank Kaiser

It may begin when folks start calling you "Mr. Clean." Or when no one asks to borrow your comb anymore.

Or perhaps you've noticed that you're getting more samples of Rogaine than free AOL disks.

You're getting bald, my fellow geezer, and there's no way around it.

Or is there? After I wrote my column, "Got a License for that Comb-over?" explaining how some men even use their ear and nose hairs to camouflage bald spots, I got almost 200 reader responses, many sending photos of their proud and shining chrome-domes.

One short letter, in particular, intrigued me.

“I can help you. Give me a call. Mike Kuz”

Mike, it turns out, is in the hair replacement business. Has been most of his 66 years. Mike's A-Hair-1 store is here in Clearwater, so yesterday, in the cause of wrinklie research, Carolyn and I stopped by to learn what he could do for one pathetic follically challenged 69-year-old coot.

Looking and sounding like a short, thin Reginald Van Gleason, Mike explained that his "hair-loss service" specialized in "perimeter-bond systems" that stay on your head day and night, swimming or skydiving, for five to six weeks at a time.

Then, as your real hair grows up under the rug, unless you want to look like Frankenstein with a low forehead you have Mike remove the "system," cut your hair, and re-glue the head-falsie back on for another five to six weeks.

Of course, Mike would never use the vulgarisms "rug" or "head-falsie." This is serious business.

Costly, too. But consider: Isn't looking like Fabio worth $650, plus a $35 wash, cut, and glue every few weeks? According to Mike, that's but a quarter the price charged by some of the national dome-doily companies.

Mike himself prefers his personal sky-piece with teeny combs that grab what little original hair he has left. That way, he can take it off at night, giving it a well-earned rest.

It's not easy being a "system." Made in China with human hair, they're subject to bruising and bumping, even bleaching in the Florida sun. Not to mention the sheer torment involved in bungee jumping, scuba diving and other gonzo activities that, according to an infomercial Mike showed me, everyone with "new hair" tries at least once.

Such hair-raising adventures prove how far we've come since those Depression days when barbers applied huge, sucking vacuum machines to balding noggins, hoping to stimulate the scalp and promote hair growth.

Then there were the painful plugs that, mercifully, faded with Frank Sinatra.

Finally, in a country where there's a pill for every perversity, daily doses of minoxidil (Rogaine) - results may vary - provided peach fuzz after four months or so. Unfortunately, it also provided fluid retention, chest pain, dizziness, even blistering inside the mouth.

All things considered, a "system" seems the way to go.

Suddenly Trivia: Who won a 1997 poll asking “If you could have anyone's hair, who's would it be?" a) Fabio, b) Dolly Parton, c) Marge Simpson, d) Albert Einstein.

Yet the more I think about it, the more I realize that I'm just too sexy for my hair.

Consider: Is a man's scent sexy? His voice? His muscles? His one-track mind? Of course they are! So, I ask you, how can male-pattern baldness be anything less than manly?

Less hair means there's less to compete with everything that is good about a man's face. His eyes are stronger. His jaw, firmer. His smile, far sexier.

Think of baldness as growing taller than your hair.

Let me make this bald statement: For me, treatment of hair loss is a loser's game.

If anyone asks, I tell 'em that my hair rubbed off after hitting the headboard too often. I am BaldMan!

Eat your heart out, Fabio.

Of course, if you look like you were abducted by aliens who did some creepy experiment on your head, or if you're always thinking about what other people are thinking about your much higher than usual forehead, go see Mike or someone like him.

My God, man, you have nothing else to lose.

Suddenly Trivia Answer: c) Marge Simpson won with 26 percent of the votes. Albert Einstein lost by a hair at 25 percent. Fabio claimed only 11 percent. And poor Dolly Parton? She got but 7 percent.

© 2005 - Frank Kaiser

For others in this series, "The Real Truth About Getting Old," go to http://www.suddenlysenior.com/healthissues.html


MORE GOOD ADVICE FOR GEEZERS
AT SUDDENLY SENIOR THIS WEEK...

Senior Moments? Enjoy them.

Here's everything you ever wanted to know about senior moments and their cause, and surefire advice on what to do about them.

May Your Last Check
Bounce
Before You Die

Did we retire just to continue working hard, still not smelling the roses? Seems that Frank did. His pathetic life needs help and it needs it now. Any takers?

"Hey, Cutie Pie. I've Got Viagra!"
A Look at Today's Senior Dating.

Dating, the second time around, has its pitfalls. Senior men seem to believe mature women want nothing more than a warm body who doesn't miss the toilet too often. Senior women claim they're lucky to find a man who can remember where he left his teeth. Learn the ugly truth here.


GET MORE SENIOR NEWS
YOU CAN USE. HERE. FREE!

We’ve expanded the coverage of our RxNews list to include Social Security, Financial, Military and Civilian Retiree News, even valuable information about annuities and when to use them.

Just send a blank e-mail to get-rxnews@suddenlysenior.com

Easy cancellation instructions come with every release.


RECENT COLUMNS

DRUG GIVEAWAYS OFTEN
PAINFUL, BUT WORTH IT

Big Pharma wants to give you free medicine! Proof that even corporate bullies like to be liked. Here’s where to call and what to do. Get into a patient assistance program. Before it’s too late! READ MORE HERE.

EVEN MEDICARE CLUELESS
ABOUT DRUG BILL

Medicare’s new handbook forgets to mention the $2,850 “Donut Hole.” Congress forgets to be fair. And seniors everywhere are bending over to kiss their healthy butts goodbye. READ MORE HERE.

WHEN DRUGSTORES WERE DRUGSTORES

If you grew up when neighborhood drugstores sold little but medicine and sodas, when prescriptions cost 67 cents, and when Lime Rickeys, Green River, Lydia Pinkhams and Hadacol were “the mostest,” READ MORE HERE.


PLANNING A VACATION?

Suddenly Senior's Travel Page has a lot of new money-saving information you can use whether you're traveling 10 or 10,000 miles.


See a list and summaries of Suddenly Senior columns.
Click http://www.suddenlysenior.com/columnlist.html


FOUR FUNNY PAGES
OF GREAT SENIOR JOKES!

Suddenly Senior' Sexy Senior Jokes

Suddenly Senior's Favorite Senior Jokes

Suddenly Senior's Great Senior Jokes

Suddenly Senior's Corny Senior Jokes


THIS WEEK'S BEST 222 SENIOR SITES
http://www.suddenlysenior.com/links.shtml
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
THE BEST OF SENIOR SEX
http://www.suddenlysenior.com/sexpage.html
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
SEE THE BEST SENIOR NOSTALGIA ANYWHERE, http://www.suddenlysenior.com/nostalgiapage.html
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
SEE THE BEST SENIOR TRIVIA ANYWHERE, http://www.suddenlysenior.com/triviapage.html


Want to get "Monday's Best Jokes" e-mailed every week“ Send blank e-mail to get-jokes@suddenlysenior.com

To get the Suddenly Senior column, absolutely free, send blank e-mail to Get-ss@suddenlysenior.com

NEW! Get the latest Medicare and Canadian drug store news e-mailed almost every day, send blank e-mail to
Get-rxnews@suddenlysenior.com

To unsubscribe to the Suddenly Senior column, send a blank e-mail to Remove-sslist@suddenlysenior.com

To unsubscribe to This Week's Best Jokes, send a blank e-mail to Remove-jokes@suddenlysenior.com


Have a great weekend, everyone!

Frank

Frank Kaiser frank@suddenlysenior.com

http://www.suddenlysenior.com/

The nationally syndicated column seen by more than one and a half million Americans over 50 who've become senior before their time.

PicoSearch
FIND IT AT
SUDDENLY SENIOR!




SINCE 1999, AMERICA'S MOST TRUSTED SENIOR CITIZEN WEBSITE


Seniors Having Fun
• To be a Kid Today in Florida

How Suddenly Senior began
• E-MAIL FRANK


Now read by 3.1 million in 83 newspapers from Florida’s St. Petersburg Times to the Mumbai, India News. CLICK FOR MORE INFO


ADVERTISE WITH
SUDDENLY SENIOR