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ALIENS IN CONGRESS

By Frank Kaiser

Wouldn't that explain a lot?

Who else but aliens, posing as "representatives of the people," would dismiss their constituents' biggest problems, listening only to and voting only for those who give them big money, often at the expense of the very folks who voted them to Congress?

It's as though sometime long ago when no one was paying attention, the shape-shifting crew of a passing space ship stopped off at the Washington Monument, thinking it was a sister ship or a sexy sister, got overdosed with caffeine at a local Starbucks, and decided to stay — as Congressmen.

It was the perfect disguise.

Our elected politicians never have behaved, or even talked like the rest of us. And since strutting, hustling, and pandering like a stone-broke bimbo are all hallmarks of the aliens' seriously sleazy home planet, the visitors fit right in, eventually moving on to the other branches of government.

How else can you explain Dick Cheney or even our President? Come on! Actual human beings don't act and talk that way. Consider Bush's answer to a Tampa woman who questioned, "How is [Plan D] going to fix the problem?"

  • "Because the…all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculated, for example, is on the table. Whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those…changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be…or closer delivered to that has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the…like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate…the benefits will rise based upon inflation, supposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those…if that growth is affected, it will help on the red."

I rest my case.

Realizing that our representatives in Washington are aliens in disguise would explain why the vast majority in Congress cares far more about the double threat of citizens dying without government permission and the occasional unkissed drug company's ass than about our Frankensteinian deficits or even caring about adequate armor for our troops and allocating necessary funds to take care of them when they're wounded.

Who else but aliens could come up with the "Clear Skies Act" for a bill that vastly increases pollution or "Healthy Forests" for an extreme logging act?

If you can't stand to listen to our politicians, take a look at some of these guys.

If senators John McCain and Ted Kennedy (rare "before" photo to right) aren't direct descendents of The Creature from the Black Lagoon, I don't know who is. And, I ask, what human being has the ability to talk out of both sides of his mouth at the same time? Yet Senator Joe Lieberman can, and commonly does with ease.

The real trouble with having aliens running the government is that they're not good at actually doing anything. This may be the perfect job description for a Congressman or a President, but is highly problematic when it comes to their extraterrestrial appointees. These are guys who are supposed to get things done. And as we all know by know, aliens just aren't good with details.

Consider "Fine job, Brownie." Or political appointee, Mark "Plan D is the perfect solution" McClellan, the alien in charge of Medicare. Dangerous creatures, these. While such cosmic flatulence in Congress often provides belly laughs for the rest of us, ETs on the front lines can, and frequently do cause considerable harm. Example: Since the aliens who took over the FDA invited Big Pharma in to run the place, we can't even trust our medicines anymore.

Extraterrestrials have been around a long time. Many believe they built the pyramids, populated the city of Atlantis, and perhaps even inhabited the body of Liberace.

But who would ever have believed that they could become such a nuisance to us today? And although I personally don't know what to do about them (We can't, like in the movies, call in the Pentagon. I mean, have you looked closely at Donald Rumsfeld lately?), it's good to finally realize the real reason for all our problems today.

It's the same reason we no longer hear anyone asking to be "taken to our leader." They already know that guy.

© 2006 — Frank Kaiser


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HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND, EVERYONE!

Frank

Frank Kaiser frank@suddenlysenior.com

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The nationally syndicated column seen by more than one and a half million Americans over 50 who've become senior before their time.

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