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90, THE NEW 2?
By Frank Kaiser

Have you noticed? Almost daily, magazines push us to be younger, more energetic, more robust and, well, less like who we really are.

"70 is the new 50!" claims one. Not to be outdone, another's cover screams, "75 - The new 45?"

Women's magazines, especially now that their boomer editors are suddenly of a certain age, sell the notion that aging is simply an aberration, a needless divergence into an unnecessary and altogether repulsive hell.

Just follow this diet or that beauty routine, or use this face cream or that plastic surgeon and - Voilà - springtime forever.

America's obsession with all things young is starting to drive me nuts.

It was bad enough when the hip and oh-so fashionable editors at People and Us, Talk and the National Enquirer simply ignored anyone over 40. But, of course, market forces prevailed. When a good chunk of audience began tripping over the 40 mark and falling all the way to 50 and - Perish the thought! - even 60 and beyond, advertisers and editorial pretensions followed.

Today, cornered by their own deceit, editors asked themselves, what can you say about old coots that's sexy and glamorous?

You say it isn't so!

You say that 65 is really 30 in disguise. (Some disguise!) That millions of aging boomers aren't slowing down, they're "regenerating" their lives. That there's no reason why Elizabeth can't act and feel just like Paris or Jennifer, that Harrison can't get it on 10 times a day, just like Brad and Ben.

No excuses.

It all started when magazines began naming geezers like 75-year-old Sean Connery and Clint Eastwood as the "Sexiest Man Alive."

"Sexiest," as in virile, aphrodisiacal, and manly? Oh, come on! If that's true, I'll have what they're having.

As the nation braced itself for the naming of Clint and Sean's sexiest female counterparts, shirts opened to the waist, no one questioned the sanity of it all.

What were they thinking? Does no one recall, "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven."

It's difficult enough to be a senior citizen in today's America without the added pressure of repudiating age. Is there anything more pathetic than a 70-something lothario, his belly hanging over his sleek new Speedo, teeth flashing, flabby muscles flexing, bantering techno to a sweet young thing at the beach?

Could be I'm simply jealous.

Because for this geezer, it's not 10 times a day but once a week. That's if I'm lucky. I haven't danced till dawn since college, and even then it damn near killed me. And I certainly have no urgent desire to jet to Florence for lunch with J. Lo.

Hey, I have reflux issues!

Being 69 and more or less acting my age is just fine with me. In fact, quite honestly it's just about the best time of my life.

However, there is probably truth in "90, the new 2."

I've noticed some older folks returning to their terrible twos, thinking only of themselves, demanding the world, and screaming whenever things don't go their way. But these Depend-wearing brats never really graduated from the callowness of youth in the first place. And they finally tire of faking it.

As for me, I can't imagine 90 anymore than I could imagine 69 when I was 50, or 50 when I was 30.

But with life getting better with every added year, I can't wait. If only those magazine editors understood that, think how much happier their lives and those of their readers would be.

© 2005 - Frank Kaiser


Last Week's Suddenly Senior

AGING TARZANS, JANES DISCOVER WHY
AMERICANS LOVE COSTA RICA

From the primeval rainforests and volcanoes (see photo) to the ever-smiling, waving and helpful Ticos, Frank and Carolyn explore this Central American democracy and find it fascinating from Atlantic to Pacific. Inexpensive, too. READ FULL STORY HERE.

And the Week Before...

DRUG GIVEAWAYS OFTEN
PAINFUL, BUT WORTH IT

Big Pharma wants to give you free medicine! Proof that even corporate bullies like to be liked. Here’s where to call and what to do. Get into a patient assistance program. Before it’s too late! READ MORE HERE.

AND CHECK OUT THESE SEXY SENIORS...

The real pièce de résistance, though, was that first line of defense no mother would let her daughter out without: the dreaded girdle.

Not if today's seniors have anything to say about it. We may embarrass our kids and shock the neighbors, but wrinkly Romeos and sagging seductresses are just carrying on a time-honored tradition.

Sex After 60
(Probably a very short column)

Of course, many of the younger generation, including our sons and daughters, find it disgusting that Granny and Gramps could still be doing it. "More than you think," says Frank. "Much more!"

What really catches my eye is the dazzling red type across from the photo saying, "Your Penis Shrinks 19.8% as you get older due to deficiency of testosterone!"

When Wild Oats Turn
Into Prunes and All Bran

One minute you're a male sex object, the next, you're a lecherous old fart with bad breath, bad teeth, and probably badly in need of Viagra.

Looking for Mr. Oldbar

Dozens of sightings of senior citizens engaged in outdoor sexual activities leads to an investigation of "Looking for Love" classified ads for the senior set.


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Have a great weekend, everyone!

Frank

Frank Kaiser frank@suddenlysenior.com

http://www.suddenlysenior.com/

The nationally syndicated column seen by more than one and a half million Americans over 50 who've become senior before their time.

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